I'm a burden

Do you know how much existing hurts? How much living actually pains me? Every action I do affects other people - which sucks, because I barely make decisions that benefit me to improve the life quality of others. If I have to actively tend to their every need in the hopes of not disturbing them; If I have to tiptoe around my own life just because I am too afraid, too much of a burden to exist and actually, fully live - I might as well die. I might as well slit my own throat. Might as well drink the blood that seeps from my slit wrists and drown into the endless sea of pain that is my own mind. My heart aches and I am constantly on the verge of killing myself. Not because I hate myself with a pity, but because I have power. I am able to do what I want and still I do not do it in the hopes of being less. Of being swallow-able, to be able to have without even needing to chew. Make myself digestible and be no burden at all. But oh, how I long to do everything. Yes I'd love to hang out with you but the mere thought of being an inconvenience to you or anyone else just so that I too can feel the sun kiss my skin as I stand next to you is too much. I'd rather drown and make no sound as to not disturb anybody.

And in so, in trying to make everything better without me, I make everything worse. I'm much more of a burden when I am sad and when I threaten to start sobbing and hyperventilating every second of my painful, shameful existence. And still, I do it. And I'm sorry to everyone I ever come across. For being a burden, and being an even bigger one trying to avoid it.